The man in the two rooms

He had just finished his work, got up from his desk in the living room, and went to the bedroom to lie down for a moment. He was working from home and was feeling tired. After scrolling for a few minutes on Instagram and feeling like he was getting sleepier and sleepier, he started losing himself. At that moment, he started feeling like there was nothing good left on the planet and there was no reason for him to live anymore. He closed his eyes for a second, and when he opened his eyes again, he was on the sidewalk of a natural park, jogging. He started looking around him, trying to understand what was going on, but it didn’t make too much sense. While it felt like his mind teleported there, he knew all the steps his body had to take to get there.

“What’s going on?” he asked himself while breathing heavily from jogging.

“Did it happen again?”

“How long has it been?”

He stopped jogging and checked the notes on his phone. It was the 11th day since it started and, according to his last note, it seemed like he felt a deep sense of emptiness in the center of his chest. That’s when it all began.

Eleven days ago, while checking his Instagram, he saw a video about some people hiking together and it made him feel like he should go to the mountainside again, which made him remember his oldest hiking trip and some old friendships. He also started remembering all the friends that he used to have and right there, in that moment, he realized that he had no friends in his life. Just to make sure, he went to Facebook and checked when was the last time he received a message from someone. It was 3 weeks ago, but it felt like half a year has passed since that last message. Then he switched to WhatsApp to check the same thing and it was 17 days since the last message someone sent him.

“I have no friends” is what he told himself and felt lonely.

The feeling of loneliness became stronger and stronger, and got so intense that he couldn’t feel anything else. He was feeling so lonely that everything he was thinking was about his loneliness.

“Nobody understands me.”

“Nobody wants me.”

“I am the only one, in all my relationships, who makes an effort.”

“If I kill myself, nobody will miss me.”

Eventually, he managed to fall asleep but the sense of emptiness was there. It was eating him up every single night and there was no way out.

The next day, when he woke up, the first thing he felt was the emptiness from the day before. It didn’t leave and the only thing that changed was the extra space created in his mind. He had room for one more thought than “Nobody wants me” or “I want to kill myself”.

“I’m going to buy some junk food today” is what he told himself while getting out of bed. But he wasn’t walking – he was crawling. After barely getting out of bed, getting to the bathroom felt like a marathon. Shoulders down, not showing any emotions, and with an expression on his face that could make you say he’s been working in a factory for 50 years, with no vacations whatsoever. His lack of energy was reflected in the movements of his body and, if you would have looked at him, you would have felt like the world was coming to an end.

He brushed his teeth, took a shower, and changed his clothes so he could go to the nearest shop and buy some junk food. But all these small things, which usually don’t require any effort because they are part of his routine, drained any energy left in his body. So he went back to bed and lay there for 15 minutes, just so he could move again.

The junk food was calming down his mind and body and, whatever feelings of loneliness he had, they didn’t feel as powerful after drinking soda or eating chocolate. It was his way of coping with the mysteries of his brain.

He was 31 years old and the first time it happened was when he was 16. At least that’s the first moment he remembers. Back then, he had a tantrum so intense that now, in the present moment, there’s no information left about what had happened. But the feeling connected to that moment from the past is so clear that it feels like it is happening now.

It was all a mystery because no matter how he tried to solve or heal whatever was going on in his life, after a while, he was going back to the same emptiness and sense of death. Whatever methods he tried, his world was coming to an end at least a few times a month and there was nothing he could do about it. But just as his world was coming to an end, every single time it happened, it was also getting a new beginning.

On the 11th day, when he realized that the emptiness was gone, everything was better than ever, even though the same thing had happened hundreds of times before. He felt like he was connected to everything and regained his energy. At that very moment, he started sprinting and kept running at a high speed for another two kilometers. Right after he finished his run, without even taking a moment to adjust his breathing or heart rate, he started sending audio messages to some of his friends, asking them if they wanted to grab a beer. It felt like he had to catch up for all the 11 days when he wasn’t present in his life.

He then went back home and took a shower, made himself a sandwich with egg, avocado, pesto, and jalapenos, and checked his phone to see if there was any messages from his friends. None yet.

After eating the sandwich, he called his mother to see how she was and told her he would visit her a few hours later. Then he checked his phone again to see the same thing. No messages. But he didn’t care. He was excited about the idea of being alive and just the act of breathing itself was a source of joy. While scrolling through Instagram, he saw a reel with two people dancing Salsa and he felt even more alive. He remembered his passion for dancing, put his phone down, opened his laptop, went on YouTube, and clicked on his Salsa playlist. Then he started dancing in the middle of the living room, careless and free.

Ten minutes later, he heard the phone – it was a WhatsApp message.

“Last week you told me I am not a friend whom you can trust and now you want to hang out. What is going on?”

Then he remembered.

He remembered how, in those moments of loneliness, he sent messages to everyone whom he thought was close to him, and told them that they were not good friends because they didn’t put any effort into the relationship. Some replied, some didn’t. But it changed nothing. The emptiness was still there and the best way to calm himself down was to block everyone. At that moment, the emptiness was fueled by the idea of having all these unworthy friends in his life.

For a moment, it felt like the loneliness was coming back. He remembered how it used to feel but it was nothing like the real thing. This time, it was more like a hipster’s bad cover of a popular song from the 90s: you recognize quite fast what it is and you skip it so you can listen to the next song.

While the loneliness and emptiness were not there anymore, he was left with everything that had happened in those moments of loneliness and emptiness. It was his actions that influenced his life and whatever bad things he said or did in these moments, he had no choice but to live with them.

I hope you enjoyed this short story.

With love and optimism,
David