For many years, I have dealt with borderline personality disorder and it was very painful. If you’ve never heard about it, it’s very similar to bipolar disorder, the main differentiator being that my changes in mood were triggered by the outside environment – what I saw, what I heard, etc. For bipolar disorder, the triggers can be anything.
Because of BPD, it was very difficult for me to find my baseline. I was going from love to hate and back to love in a matter of days. I was both afraid and courageous – not at the same time but on the same day. I was living in uncertainty for weeks until something was giving me hope and then I was back to a state of flow. Therefore, no stillness.
There was no such thing for me as ‘being still’, even though I was constantly trying to reach that moment of stillness and permanently integrate it in my life.
The past year, for me, was absolute hell and chaos. I tried to heal some broken relationships and I did even more damage to them. I tried to fix myself and, at that moment, it felt like I wasn’t progressing at all.
Imagine you are walking up a hill and you don’t see its end. The more you climb, the harder it will become. You’ll start feeling pain – at first in your legs and then the pain will take over your body. You’ll start doubting your decision and feel like you want to go back, even though that’s not even an option. You’ll hate yourself for even trying to climb the hill and wish for anything else.
And you have all these thoughts right until you reach the top of the hill. But because you don’t know where it ends, you’ll live with the impression that you’ll have these thoughts forever.
As I’m writing this, it’s been a month of stillness. No depression, no anxiety, no fear, no hate, no uncertainty, no suicidal thoughts. Nothing. Just focus and clarity.
Only if I knew that the top of the hill was close. But I didn’t.
I had to keep climbing and keep enduring all the pain and suffering. And I wanted to stop so many times. But that wasn’t an option.
When it comes to fixing yourself and healing the inner parts of self, as soon as you start the process, there’s no turning back.
On the 11th of April, this year, I had my last episode. It was a dark one.
I was visiting my mom and I remember she said something to me. I don’t remember what exactly – it had no importance. But as soon as she said it, I realized that, little by little, my mood started changing.
30 minutes later, I was out the door and walking back home (around a 45-minute walk from my mom’s to my apartment). I started feeling like I wanted to die – in the middle of my solar plexus I felt some sort of vacuum that was draining all my energy. It made me think of all the people from my past who did something bad to me. It was chaos in my mind and every thought was negative. I couldn’t get out of there. I wanted to die.
Eventually, I got home and the mood was even more intense. Same negative feelings and thoughts but way more powerful. I wanted to end it all.
The next day, I woke up with the same mood but one thing was different.
I was ready to let everyone go. Was ready to let go of everything without letting myself go.
In other words, I was finally ready to forgive everyone because I finally realized that I was hurting myself more than doing any good anywhere.
And in that moment, something happened.
As soon as I let go, I stepped into this moment of peace and freedom – it felt like stillness. I finally understood that everyone from my past, whom I believed did something wrong to me, in fact, tried to help me. But not the way I wanted to be helped.
I was finally seeing clearly how I punished almost everyone in my past for not doing exactly the things I wanted them to do. It was a sad moment but I was finally free. I was free from the past. I was finally living in the present moment.
Was that new information?
Of course not.
I’ve known for a while that people don’t wake up trying to hurt me or you, but that was just rational knowledge. I was lacking the emotional side of this knowledge.
As soon as I found stillness, what followed was beautiful
In the following days, I started feeling better and better. I went from having BPD episodes 2-3 times/week to not having them at all.
I was calm and relaxed. No emotion or feeling was moving my focus to the stories of the past.
In that moment, I was able to put meaning on the life that I wanted to build and the relationships I wanted to have, both professionally and personally.
I realized that I was still wanting to make a few decisions out of fear (moving to Copenhagen, Denmark, was one of them) and reminded myself of what I really wanted.
I want to help people become more optimistic and work with them so they can live a more optimistic life. Less time and effort invested in past stories. More optimism about the future, with practical ways of getting there, all connected to the present moment.
I want to travel and visit Japan again. I want to live in Portugal for 6 months. I want to do more Camino routes. I want to live freely and happily.
Because I was in a moment of stillness, I gained clarity and, through that clarity, I was able to set a meaning for what I wanted that went beyond here and now – but is engraved in the here and now.
Now, one month after my last BPD episode, I feel better than I have in the last 10 years. I’m sure I had better days, but right now that is how I feel. And I know and am certain that this is my new, long-lasting, elevated emotional state.
I’m happy to be here.
With love and optimism,
David
